You Saw This

Today I can’t stop thinking of Isaiah 25:1, “O LORD, You are my God; I will exalt You and praise Your name, for in perfect faithfulness You have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.” Today, I've overwhelmed by the Lord! He is being so conspicuous! He doesn't have to be, He chooses to be!

Lord God Almighty, I am amazed by You and how You are showing Yourself to me!!! This is exhilarating, exciting, and extremely scary! You have me in stitches! I can’t stop laughing! I can’t stop shaking! And at times, I'm driven to tears. I’m not sure if it’s nerves or joy or a wonderful combination of both! I can't fathom where You are taking all this! I can't wait to see Your plan unfold!

You see it though! You hem me in before and behind! You saw it long ago! You saw this joy, this passion, and this plan, even when I couldn’t have possibly!

You saw it, when I was fourteen years old and realized that even though I was born into a family of people who were God-fearing followers of Christ, I wasn’t. You saw it, when You touched my heart that night and I repented of my sin, and accepted You as my Lord and my Savior. You saw it, when at that same moment, You miraculously saved me and made me Yours! You saw it, when I was a teenager begging You for a purpose. You saw this, when You gave me a love for music and singing to You.

You saw it, when I was a new wife with a husband who wasn’t the spiritual leader I thought he should be and I cried out desperately that that would change. You saw it, when I was walking through life not focused on You at all, but was blaming others for my spiritual condition.

You saw it, when You abundantly bless us with two beautiful boys, 15 months apart. You saw it, when I was a lonely stay-at-home mom with those little babies and Lee was working 40+ hours a week and going to school 21 hours a semester and we never saw him. You saw it, when I was locked in the laundry room after trying to pay the bills, face stuffed in a towel to muffle my screaming, as I wasn't sure that we would have electricity, water, be able to buy groceries, or even keep our vehicle that month. You saw it, when I wrapped the babies bottoms in towels, counted out 400 pennies in a gallon sized Ziploc baggie, and walked (because we had no money for gas to drive) the two miles to the Dollar General to buy diapers, only to be 23 cents short. You saw it, when we miraculously got a zero balance gas bill in the mail that couldn't be explained by the gas company, except that our bill was paid in full. You saw it, every time You proved that You and You alone are our Provider!

You saw it, when You answered my prayers and captivated my husband and he truly became the spiritual leader of our home! You see it, when I continue to fall in love with this man over and over! You see it, when we fall to our knees and pray together.

You saw it, when we lost our third child at 12 weeks. You saw it, when I was angry and felt like I was going crazy! You saw it, when I was sinking into a pit of fear, depression, grief, and anxiety. You saw it, when even though my heart felt like it was being crushed You gave me strength to choose to worship You anyway.

You saw it, when we were pregnant with our fourth child and I was crippled with fear. You saw it, when; three days after having an ultrasound, seeing our baby, hearing his heartbeat, and hearing the doctor tell us all looked well; we lost our fourth child at 14 weeks. You saw it, when I was kicking and screaming in a hospital bed, that it just wasn’t fair. You saw it, when I was sure I wasn't going to make it though it all again. You saw it, when You spoke to me so clearly, I'm sure it was audible. You saw it, when You wrapped Your arms around me and held me there. You saw it, in the months afterward when I would wake in the night screaming from the horrific nightmares. You saw it, when I clung to You and Your Word desperately, knowing that if I didn’t, I would sink back into that deep pit, and I might never come out again. You saw it, when I felt like I would never laugh again, and then somehow I did! You saw it, when, once again, my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest and crushed to pieces and You gave me strength to choose to worship You anyway, even in the pain. You see it, when Lee and I can’t seem to have more children, even though we want them. You see it, when You overwhelm us with joy!

You saw it, when You called Lee into the youth ministry and we said yes. You saw it, when we left our church of ten years and became a part of the Lakeside Baptist staff. You saw it, when I would cry pulling out of the church parking lot, because I missed my old church and all my friends there and I felt like I would never fit in at that new church. You saw it, as Lee and I took baby steps learning how to be in the ministry. You saw it, when Lakeside became more than just our church, it became our family!

You saw it, when my alopecia came back with a vengeance. You saw it, when I was crippled with anxiety from trying to hide the bald spots. You saw it, when I went completely bald and lost all the hair on my body. You saw it, when I would stare into the mirror and would believe the enemies lies. You saw it, when I couldn’t possibly see what You would want to do with me. You saw it, when I struggled with insecurity.

You saw it, as we had the overwhelming joy to see answered prayer as both of our sweet boys came to know the Lord as their personal Savior this year! You see it, as we pray for those boys to become Godly men. You see it, when we hear our sons talk about You and what You are doing and saying in their own hearts.

You saw it, when You revealed 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 “May God Himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it.” to my heart.
You saw it, when You led Aimee and I to start praying that verse for ourselves and for one another.

You saw it, when You convicted my heart, changed my thought process, and then told me so very clearly to write this post. You saw it, when I called on You and You so obviously answered me!

You saw it, when You called me to do something that seemed impossible and little crazy! You saw it, when I surrendered and was obedient. You saw it, when You overwhelmed us with Your power! You saw it, when You told us to trust You! You saw it, when You did marvelous things right before our eyes! You saw it, when through them You were glorified! You see it, when You captivate us over and over again! You see it, when I feel so unworthy of any of this! You see it, when You whisper that I'm valued and loved, and that You make me worthy through Christ!

You continue to see so far beyond what I can. You see what our future holds. You see what is going to come of our obedience to You. You see the path You’ve planned for us, and I trust you with my life! I can't possibly see what marvelous things You have planned! I can't possibly know why You would choose to use me like this, but I'm forever thankful that You have! You have given me joy and a passion!
You have done so much more than I could ever ask or imagine! You have brought me thus far! You have brought me out of the miry pit and put a new song in my mouth! You still have so much that You are doing! SO MUCH!!!! Thank You that You who called me is FAITHFUL, and You will do it!!! Thank You that, He who began this good work in me will complete it! Thank You that You sanctify!

Isaiah 25:1, “O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.”