Honestly...

I was reading Jon Acuff's blog today and this section jumped out at me.
I'm quoting from "miserable god" by Jon Acuff ~

"This is what I am wrestling with right now, the continued realization that I’ve made God into an emo god. I know how to cry with Him, but not laugh. I know how to mourn with Him but not dance. And I think the enemy wants that. He wants us to be ashamed or embarrassed by the great ways God blesses us and reject compliments and think that God can only hold us and mold us in times of great hurt.

But when we do that, we miss who God is.

That He is the God who loves us so much He sent His son to die for us. (John 3:16)

That He is the God who longs to be gracious to us and rises in the morning to show us compassion. (Isaiah 30:18) That He is the God who satisfies our desires with good things. (Psalm 103:5) That He is the God who delights in the well-being of His servant. (Psalm 35:27)

Does God teach us in difficult moments? Have we not been promised that in this world there will be trouble? Without a doubt.

But when we confine God’s love and lessons strictly to a classroom of misery we create a miserable god.

And that’s not who He is."

Honestly, this is what I'm wrestling with right now...

...It's easy for me to talk about, or blog about, the hard lessons He has taught me, or the difficult times He has brought me through. It's so much more difficult for me to talk about, or blog about, the GREAT, awesome, amazing, joyful things God is bringing me through and doing for me. Why? Why is that so difficult for me? Why do I cringe when someone gives me a compliment regarding something awesome that the Lord is doing in my life? I have beat myself up over and over again, asking myself this very question. Why?

The truth of the matter is this, sometimes I feel like I'm spending my life waiting on the next shoe-from-heaven to drop. I mean that with no disrespect intended at all, but in complete honesty. There are days I think, "Life is going pretty good right now. I wonder when my next "lesson" is coming and what it's going to entail?" And then that old overwhelming sense of anxiety sneaks up and grips me once more. I know that's wrong. I'm not proud.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for the things that He has shown me through my difficult times. If I could go back and have my youngest two children with me on this earth, without a moment's hesitation, I would. If I could go back and have a head full of hair (even the wild curls that I always said I hated), without a doubt, I would. However, if going back meant that I would take away all the things He has revealed to me about Himself and His love for me through those hard times, I would never! Those lessons have been the very things that make me the woman I am today. He has done so much through each one of those hard times, that even though I don't understand it all, I'm beginning to see that all things truly do work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I know He has been so faithful through it all. I know that He is using those times of deep despair to bring Himself glory, and I'm thankful.

The problem comes when I don't fully enjoy the good things He gives me, for fear of what's next. When I fail to see the lessons in the joy and happiness He brings. When the good things come, and I await the hard that is surely to follow. And the thing is, I have begun to expect the hard with an "after all, it's His Will, and His will is hard" attitude, followed by the sin of worry and anxiety.

But, when I do that, the thing I fail to embrace is that He doesn't see me as simply the victim of His will. I'm His child, His little girl. He wants the best for me, because He loves me. Will His best always look the way I think it should? No. Will His best be difficult at times? Yes. Will His best always work to the good, even when it doesn't feel good? Yes. That said, will His best sometimes be my happiness? YES! Will His best sometimes be joyful blessings poured out on me filling my whole being with unspeakable joy? YES!!!

I need to walk in this truth, step it out, dig it up in the Word, sow it deep into the very marrow of my bones. I need to dance in the spacious place He has for me, live in the freedom He brings, daily reveling in His amazing love. I need to walk with Him every moment, good and bad, giving praise to Him no matter what! I need to not be afraid to rejoice in the good times and to tell others so they too can rejoice. Because, my very existence is for the purpose of making His name famous, to bring Him all the honor glory and praise! And when the Word of God says that we will conquer the enemy by the blood the Lamb and the word of our testimony(Rev.12:11), that includes the hard times AND the joyful times!

Now....I don't say all that to say I have it figured out and it's a lesson I have learned. That's far from truth. As I said before, it's something I'm wrestling with right now. I'm working it out with the Lord. So for right now, I'm going to get off the computer, sit down with my Bible and a good cup of coffee, and revel in the unsurpassing love of my Savior....Praise you, Jesus!