For about the last month, I was going through a self-inflicted bad funk....the kind where I was really miserable to be around. The kind where I was having a perpetual pity party. The kind that is selfish and self-focused. The kind that sets you completely off course.
June 3rd was the 5th anniversary of our last miscarriage, the death of our 4th baby. It hit me really hard! I started thinking about my two babies in heaven a LOT and began to grieve, mourn, and miss them terribly. It was suddenly like the wound was fresh and new all over again. And it was more than that, I also felt like I was mourning the death of a dream, the death of having more children, the death of ever being pregnant again. Here we are five years down the road and we still don't have more children and yet the longing for them is just as intense. It's painful.
It was during those few weeks of deep pain, wallowing, and self-focus that I opened the door, WIDE, for the enemy to whisper lie after lie after lie into my ear. Instead of taking every thought captive, I let the lies fester there. I dwelt on them and wallowed in them, feeling completely deserving of a really good pity party. It finally culminated into absolute misery! I had THREE solid days, where I did NOTHING but cry, I was miserable to be around and completely numb! I didn't want to talk to or be around anyone. My focus was off completely!
I finally reached a point when I realized I couldn't hear the Lord, I felt like I just couldn't hear Him anymore. It PETRIFIED me!!! I felt desperate and lost!
It was at that point, a few weeks ago, that my wonderful, amazing husband took the boys away for the day, so i could just spend some time with the Lord by myself. I think maybe it was his way of telling me that I HAD to deal with the funk and FAST! :)
I sat down on my back porch with my Bible and just spent hours pouring out my heart to Him, asking for forgiveness for my selfishness and for taking my eyes off of Him, and begging for Him to speak to me. This was the verse He led me to.....
Acts 26:16 "Now get up and stand on your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and as a witness of what you have seen of me and what I will show you."
WOW! That was the kick in the pants that I needed...It was discipline from my Ever-Loving Father!!!
I didn't immediately have a lightning bolt moment where I was hit with warm fuzzies, but I knew that the Lord was telling me, "I've had enough of this. You are done with your pity party, Sara. Get UP onto your feet and get to work! Seek ME!!!"
Since that day, the Lord is showing me BIG things about Himself, and revealing things that I didn't even know that I needed to work on in my own heart! It's a process that isn't coming overnight, and I'm ok with that, because this I KNOW.....I will OVERWHELMINGLY conquer ALL things through HIM who loves me!!! I AM VICTORIOUS in CHRIST!!!!!!!! I am taking captive every thought to the glory of God! I'm trusting and believing Him! I believe that He has great plans for me! And so what if those plans are different from my vision of what perfect is, if they are from Him, then they will be perfect and so much more than I could ever ask or imagine!!! To HIM be the glory forever!!!